An alligator is being hailed as a hero for improving the human race by stopping incredibly dumb Texas man Tommie Woodword from procreating. The alligator made his bold move on Friday, July 3rd after Woodward taunted the animal and screamed curse words indicating a disdain for alligators. Woodward and a friend made the decision to defy verbal warnings and posted signs that stated “No Swimming-Alligators.” They also ignored a clear instruction from a woman who works at the marina, who begged Woodward not to jump in the water because there were hungry alligators circling about.
According to CNN, Michelle Wright, who works at Burkart’s Marina in Orange County, TX, stated directly to Woodward: “Please do not go swimming, there’s a bigger alligator out here. Just please stay out of the water.” Woodward then screamed “f*** the alligators!” and jumped into the lake for a swim.
Seconds later, a heroic alligator immediately recognized the vast idiocy of Woodward and apparently decided to improve the human race according to Darwin’s law of “survival of the (intellectually) fittest.” The alligator was chomping on Woodward within seconds, and Woodward’s body was found floating face down in the lake by authorities a few hours later. Unfortunately, the alligator missed Woodward’s equally idiotic companion.
Experts say that out of all of the stupid decisions Woodward made that night, his dumbest was going swimming in the dark. Alligators hunt and feed at night, so the risks of being eaten are greatly increased during the evening hours. Of course, jumping into waters knowing full well there are alligators in them also tops the list of poor life choices.
Luckily, Woodward is no longer around to deliver offspring as stupid as he was. There is talk among authorities of “hunting down” the hero alligator, but it is unclear what award will be bestowed upon the animal for its courage and bravery.